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Is love really such a meaningless word, that people can forget it so quickly?

One minute, all you hear is how they’re so in love with each other, and how it’s special this time, something so much more sincere. And before you know it, the persons in question fall in love with someone else. And it’s just love all over again.

When did love start being such a fickle thing? And when did so many other conditions get thrown in to make it seem so daunting?

Because. Isn’t wishing for the person’s happiness, sincerely wishing only for that, a form of love in itself?

I remembered one of my strongest beliefs in secondary school, and realize that it still very much holds true to me these days. I still believe that in love, you want the person to be happy no matter what, even if it means he/she is with someone else other than you.

Sounds impossible, because no matter how we might try, there will always be a part of us that wishes, if only I were that girl/boy, right?

And that’s the part of us that makes us human. I remember having a talk with Yi Lin, Jason and Elphin on whether we believed that true love existed, and I remember being very shocked with my answer, because, all of a sudden, I said no.

I think my chain of thought has shifted slightly, as I’ve seen more and experienced way more than I ever believed I could.

Back then, I said that true love was something that couldn’t exist in this world, that only God was capable of true love. Yes, that’s true. But that is the very highest level of love, one that only a being capable of reasoning beyond the human one can hold for a person.

Us, with our limited reasoning, can’t even begin to comprehend how great this love can be, so how can we expect to be capable of it?

But I think that true love takes another form, a form that can be expressed in human terms, and while hard to understand just like that, is something unforgettable once experienced. A love that allows people to put another’s life before their own, and so on.

But then again, this is exactly what I thought back then. I guess it all depends on how you look at the term true love. Back then, only the truest of love, beyond us, qualified. But I guess, if you look at it from another perspective, such a love, while not so great, is considered true enough for human standards.

But at the same time, not many people seem to give half a thought to that kind of love anymore, or even use the words the same way. Did we give up halfway, or did we fall so low, become so shallow?

Loyalty, sincerity, truthfulness and above all, a faith that no third party could interfere in. What happened to that? Where did all of that go? These days, it seems like words from another person can just break a couple up as easily, as if they were just two separate twigs, instead of standing together.

Trust? No?

Loyalty. Fidelity. We hear so many stories of infidelity these days, it hurts. It leaves you stunned, not quite sure what to believe in anymore. Broken relationships are a given, most people aren’t lucky enough to get it right on the first try. But when we see so much of it going on around us, it really gets confusing. I for one found myself not quite sure of where to go anymore, whether there was any hope of it existing. And all that while I held someone very dear to me. And the thought of it was beyond scary, beyond terrifying. It just made me want to lose all hope.

I probably don’t really love him. This is just a passing thing.

And when similar feelings were directed at me, it was like I barely believed in those words. After all, it’s impossible, isn’t it?

It’s horrid. And I know that deep inside me, there is a part that still maintains this thought. That part that got hurt, and is afraid to trust again. It doesn’t show itself very often, but I know it’s there.

Here, I’d like to insert apologies to those who’ve said anything concerning the above to me in months, recent or not so. Admittedly, there was a part of me that disbelieved it, questioned your sincerity. And that wasn’t fair to you, who had gathered up the courage (or been forced to) say your feelings openly. But this wasn’t the factor that made me turn you down, so please don’t think of it that way. I put a lot of thought into my answer, but despite all my doubts and disbelief…

I can’t see myself dating someone I don’t love.

I know the saying, love can be nurtured. But my style isn’t to nurture it by dating before it begins, and so on. I’ve always felt that if its done that way, what happens if it can’t be nurtured? Wouldn’t it hurt that much more for both parties? (This is just a personal belief, no offense is meant to anyone who believes otherwise)

Which is why I don’t really believe in love at first sight.

I know that there are people with aura-sensing abilities beyond mine, but I also know that there are people who act aside from their base nature. They aren’t assholes or bitches by nature, nobody is. But they choose that mask. And it’s really difficult to be able to tell which mask a person puts on just by looking at them.

Anyway, Back to the topic at hand. It’s ironic, really, how I can be so beaten down by human actions, and yet still not be, all at the exact same time. I think this is one of the greatest bits which defines me, my oxymoronic strength that I can find when I’m at my weakest.

I doubt, and question. But I cannot, will not allow myself to lose faith in my ideals.

I’ll wait for it, even if it never comes. I’ll wait for a love that will really be worth waiting for, believing all along that God has his plan for me.

I won’t settle for someone I feel attracted to, or any such thing. Both the person in question and myself deserve more than that, I feel. Think of it this way. Why should I compromise on my beliefs because I’m scared of being lonely? And why should I give someone else less of love than they truly deserve because of my fear?

The word fear here, is painfully honest. I probably haven’t openly admitted this to a lot of people, but I’m terrified of ending up alone sometimes. At times when I feel so weak, it’s like I’m going to start breaking apart all over again. Because I experienced having someone to support you in such a situation, the fear is so much worse these days.

But, I will not allow my fear to influence the way I act. Because I know inside of me, I have the strength to carry whatever life throws my way. Because God never gives us a cross greater than we can bear. It’s just whether we choose to bear it, or give up.

Besides, we’re never really alone. We still have our friends, if not a significant other. That in itself, is a form of love as well.

Love takes many forms, and romantic love is but one of many.

And I think I can rest easy in the fact that no matter what happens, I will have one pair of invincible arms supporting me.

It seems, a post that started with a reflection and personal rant on the standard of love today, turned into something else altogether as my thoughts stumbled over themselves to be expressed. I guess that’s what they mean when they say too many thoughts, all intercepting each other.

I think there was a part of me that really really needed this. My shoulders feel so much lighter, especially since I’ve been thinking and thinking as I typed this post. I’ve reaffirmed my morals, and confirmed that this is how I want to live out the rest of my life. At least when it comes to approaching love.

I sometimes wish, that I could go back to those days of mule-headed belief.

Those days of innocent idealism.

Jaded. I think I have to start admitting to myself, that even I am not immune to it. And I’m very much feeling the effect, probably more than most, since I was more idealistic to begin with.

And yet, I’ll stand firm.

I won’t compromise on my standard for myself. I will not become one of those who treats love lightly.

I should continue Starlit Thoughts. I think it was a good outlet.

[This post is going up, so that anytime in the future, I will know that this is how I felt at this time. I might go, "Hahaha what an idiotic thought", or I might go "I was on the right track there", nobody really knows, and I'm looking forward to see which way forward I take from here.]

Because it seems that when I have stuff that really matters, the first thing I think is…

“I wish I could talk to potato…”

Hahaha, so much for going back to being a freeflying eagle. I’m still a little sparrow, Mada mada dane.

Was feeling kinda tense and out of focus on Sunday, so I went for a walk to Golf Juan alone, and sat down at the rocks near the port for an entire hour. Was freezing my butt off, but it was nice to just sit there and listen to music, especially considering I was cheered up by then.

Because no matter where I am or what I do, when I feel out of sorts, you always find some way to pat me on the head and lessen my burden.

The sky was awesome that day, and I took a picture with my handphone camera since it was the only one I had on hand, and being 20 mins away from home, couldn’t well turn back to get it.

Can’t send it by bluetooth for some reason, don’t know why. Haha. But it was a damn nice walk, and the sky made everything that much grander.

You know how storybooks describe it as pillars of light shining down through halls in the clouds? It looked exactly like you’d imagine it to be, and the picture I have doesn’t do it justice. But the image is burned into my head.

That’s it for now.

FIONFION’S JOINING SKC~~~~~~~!!!

Okay high now, lack of sleep and FionFion finally online is not a good combi.

I WANNA BE THAT TALL EXCEPT THAT TALL IS 180 AT LEAST. *eyes person in question*

School’s okay so far, I quite like it, even if some lessons can be tiring. It gets really cold here tho, so that’s nice. Not a bad thing for me, since i’m more resistant to the cold.

Tired, too hyper to type coherently, so leaving it at that.

Finally had our welcome party, was awesome cos we met some pretty nice people. Haha. Like there’s this really nice guy who reminds me of those who normally become my buddies, and those kind of people who just have that kind of nice aura. :3 Me likes. XD

Two different kinds of beer, but the highlight of tonight was definitely this shot which was blue in color, had lemon and vodka in it and tested awesome. Its a french mix, and I think it’ll be my favorite drink for awhile. I mean, its got all my likes stuffed into one shot-glass, what’s not to like?

It’s currently 12am plus, and we’re down to use the net. How sad is that? But anyways, I’m definitely gonna head to bed soon.

Something’s missing…
Must be my blanket and bolster.

Just keeping track with the title, and this post really has nothing to do with today.

We did go to Monaco yesterday tho, and I’ll post the pictures up soon, is what I’ve been saying. But we all know how I procrastinate. =P And I’ve just gotten the momentum for writing. =D So imma stick at that for awhile.

Which reminds me, I should really be getting back to that, especially since I now have two chapters to work on, one which needs to be posted before the end of the day.

Third day here in France, and I’ve more or less gotten used to the weather, especially the morning cold. I can walk around in normal clothes in the mornings now, but at night it gets too cold to try.

The scenery here is really awesome, and I’ve managed to wake up earlier than 8 the past 2 mornings, even with jet lag the first night. Maxine, Jaryl and I have been taking morning walks, and the view + the cold wind make it really easy to walk long distances. We nearly walked all the way to Cannes this morning, and we managed to catch a glimpse of the Swiss Alps along the way. It was really refreshing to just stop and let the wind blow through my hair too.

It was a pity that I decided not to bring my camera out today, since the view was simply stunning. But we’ve decided that we’ll definitely walk the same route again, with cameras this time. The walk took nearly 2 hours both ways, but we didn’t feel tired in the least.

Still, lots of smokers here in France, and they smoke anywhere and everywhere so I’m still getting used to that. Still, as long as you’re upwind, its perfectly fine and you can’t smell anything at all.

No houseflies here so far, so it seems the winds and cold are too much at least this season.

Pictures will be uploaded another day, hopefully.

That’s all for now! Au revoir!

Lol, strange dream last night. Must be cos of yesterday. RAWR. D:

I want to pull a Kanda on my lecturer right now. D<