How many times more before I learn?

30 fucking minutes. I hate that phrase now. I’m swearing and I’m not even gonna bother censoring it anymore, because, FUCK, I’ve had it.

Fine, you get home early. Fine, you have to watch your lil cousins playing with the fireworks cos it’s dangerous. Fine, you can’t be arsed to bring the phone out because I want to see little, home launchable fireworks. Fine, you say you’ll be 30 minutes before we can Skype.

1 hour later, still fine, you’re just hanging out with family. TWO FUCKING HOURS, meh but fine. I finally give up and ask you, you were fucking playing mahjong and couldn’t be arsed to drop me a line. STILL FINE.

30 more mins? Doubtful after your track record of keeping your word, but fine.

I go to shower and come back to see “I’m tired, I’m going to sleep.”

FUCK YOU! SERIOUSLY? LIKE I WASN’T TIRED FOR LIKE. OH ONLY THE PAST FUCKING HOUR, WAITING FOR YOU TO FUCKING COME ON AND TALK FOR A BIT.

SERIOUSLY. SCREW YOU.

Oxymoronic in every sense: The Reveal, Part I

I do know that there’s a part of me that is arrogant and makes me an elitist. I am well aware of the fact that there are people that are more talented and intelligent than me, but I also revel very much in the fact that there is something in me that sets me aside from the average person.

I’m not even talking about any strength of character, or something with that kind of emotional depth. It’s as shallow as knowing that it takes me a quarter of the effort to achieve better results than my peers, especially when it comes to anything which strength in the English language, whether in spoken or written form, can only bolster. I know that if I actually bothered to apply myself to half of the things which one might do, I would probably excel at most of them with relative ease.

But, you see, I wouldn’t consider myself a full blown elitist, for that side of me only rears its ugly head in things I know I have the aptitude for. For example, I would never dare think I can draw decently, let alone anything near half those works I so admire. I know that there exist for me things which I have to pump several times the normal amount of effort already dedicated people put into their craft. Photography for one, has never come naturally, despite my passion for it, and the desire to one day capture images that will speak volumes to the very depths of the viewer’s soul.

Most of all, I am painfully aware of the fact that I am, to put it crudely, bollocks at social interaction. (Teehee, Bollocks. I love that word. And yes, I know what it actually means.)

Yep, I’m terrible at social gatherings and functions. Even if I had the desire, I will never be a social butterfly. I feel insecure with people, especially those popular types. I try hard to put on a front and hope no one notices, but awkwardness always slips through, and I can tell people find me weird because I act different, and think different.

I don’t fit in any one social mould, nor have I ever considered trying. I like the things I do, and have certain values and beliefs because of various decisions and choices I made at the many crossroads of my life, none of which I regret. And yet, despite this confidence in self, I know that people who don’t know me, and sometimes even those who do, judge me because I’m not as…smooth with people. I know I shouldn’t let it bother me, but some days, it just does.

When all is said and done, I’ve just gone full circle to explain that I’m a partial elitist with a slight inferiority complex. It’s an oxymoron, and yet is so logical you can’t dispute it.

Perhaps it all stems from my upbringing, when everything I did or did not do was compared to my sister, who was all great, intelligent and accomplished in the eyes of my mother. In the earliest memories of my life, I was expected to be my sister, or better. There was no me in mother dear’s opinion. My stubborn personality kicked in, and I rebeled, despite knowing I could do better. After all, nothing I did would ever be recognised, no matter how well I did them. It was only what was to be expected, and thus did not warrant praise.

Now that I’m older, and wiser for it, I understand that my mother just wanted the best for me, no matter how terribly she portrayed that wish. But still, it doesn’t change the fact that her expressions of concern were so grossly misunderstood in those formative years. It took me time, and a great amount of preoccupation with who I wanted this self of me to be, to get past that. But stigmas often take a long time to fade, if at all. Perhaps, this upbringing is not the sole factor that gave birth to these contradictory feelings inside of me, but it definitely has a role in the whole scheme of things that make up my life.

2012 Resolutions

Every year, people make resolutions they end up not keeping. I haven’t bothered the past few years because I know I won’t bother sticking to it, but this year I’ll “put mah guns on” in true Date Masamune fashion, and actually try my very hardest to actually fulfill my resolution. How hard? Well, arrows in the knee won’t be able to stop it. I think. :p

Without further ado, here’s the glorious trio.

1. Write more. 2011 was a bad year for writing for me, I got close to nothing done aside from a few random roleplay shorts and scripts for assignments. 2012 WILL be a better year for this. Be it blog, original fiction or fanfiction, I will jump start my engine and stop procrastinating quite so much. Especially on the side of fanfiction, which really needs to get finished so I can move on.

2. Exercise. Really, 2011 was horrible to my flab zone. Well, technically that was more myself, being lazy in general. Time to get off that heavy arse and get moving!

3. Now this, this really is a difficult one to keep to. I will try not to rage at every little thing, poor Joe has to suffer so much for all that. Time to get back my zen zone which I had for most of 2010, and actually stay inside this time.

 

This last isn’t a resolution, but I do hope I can start being more dedicated as a photographer. I know I’m nowhere near as good as a lot of casual photographers out there, but I want to bring my camera around and look for shots I can take. Slow down, instead of rushing everywhere, and grab shots. This might be boring old Sinagpore, but complaining about the lack of scenery here isn’t going to get me anywhere. Maybe I’ll leave a few hours early for appointments, and take a slower route and grab some pictures.

 

Sounds like a plan?

I like feeling cold, but I guess he doesn’t :P

This is like. For a project my friend is doing for all of us, and I got the idea from one of the girls who decided to write a bit about the guardian’s interaction with her character. I figure it’ll help me get a hold of this character, and hopefully provide some enjoyment for the dear friend who’s putting in all this effort for us. <3 Yay Jassy!

 

Soleathimil winced as a particularly strong gust of wind blew at him, threatening to land some of the ashes from the campfire before him in his eyes, and drew his cloak closer about him. There was a chill about, whispering of a cold rainy night ahead of him, and he almost missed the days with warm nights spent under thick covers. Almost.

Maybe he had gotten used to his nomadic lifestyle, or maybe there was a part of him that truly relished his days on the move. Soleathimil didn’t give it much more thought than that. It really wasn’t that important, and he was thankful that he had found a cave to spend the night in. Drafty as it was, it would be better than being assaulted by the winds that were surely yet to come.

A strange humming lightly tapped on his consciousness, and he instinctively reached for the bag from which the sound came. His thoughts immediately went to the strange crystal he had found the day before, which, to his surprise, seemed to be the source of the strange sound. There even seemed to be a faint glow surrounding it, if you looked closely enough.

And somehow, he immediately seemed to know that the reason it was making this sound was because it was bored, just as he had immediately known it was alive when he had first picked it up.

Cradling the crystal in his open palm as one would a fragile piece of glass, Soleathimil lifted it to his ear and tried to see if any of the sound was lost to the howling wind outside. The sound was no clearer than it had been before, a tiny whisper that could easily be ignored.

Not knowing what else to do, Soleathimil held his palm out, allowing the crystal, if it could see, take in its surroundings. That seemed to do the trick, as the humming nearly died down altogether, and he stared at it curiously before putting it back into the bag carefully, and closing the flap. If it could somehow take in its surroundings, maybe whatever it was would be able to feel the cold. And it was a bitter kind of cold, the kind you really didn’t want to be out in. Soleathimil cradled his knees to his chest as he hunched closer toward the fire, holding his frozen hands out to the waning warmth.

Being surrounded by four walls might be boring, but it sure as heck beat freezing.

Unite!! May’n Asia Tour 2011

I just got back from attending May’n's first ever solo concert in Singapore, and I had the time of my life!

They were giving away 50 autographed posters to those seating in the VIP seats, and I went with Coffeebear thinking that, meh, with two of us, we’d probably stand a higher chance of walking away with one of those. Collected the tickets, and saw one of the organizers sitting there with the pack of those autographed posters. She didn’t give any to me when I collected the tickets, so I walked away and sadfaced that we didn’t even manage to get one, and we went off to grab dinner.

Coming back, we saw everybody was going in to sit already, so we joined the line and made our way inside. Just before we did, we saw on the TV screen, winners of the posters, and VIOLA. Not just one of our seats, but BOTH made it to that list! I was laughing so hard at how awesome our luck could be. :3

On another note, they were giving away 40 invites to her movie premier in Singapore, and we didn’t get one of those, but heck, we saw May’n really close up for two whole hours already! >>>>>W<<<<<

 

Anyway, on to the concert actual. I won’t go through the order of the songs and everything, just a rough flow.

The opening act was a group of four non-Japanese singers, 3 from Singapore and 1 from Malaysia, if I recall correctly, and they were actually not too shabby! You could hear when they got tired and all (With all that jumping and dancing, no surprise), and some parts were a bit off, but for a live, it was actually pretty darn good! Especially considering, even if they HAVE been performing at all the tour’s other stops, they are relatively new and inexperienced. Performing on a stage is massively different from singing in your bathroom, to the unacquainted who like to think they can do better. (Seriously, bathroom acoustics do wonders for the most average of voices.) I really look forward to see how much improvement we can see from them in the future. I really think that if they work hard, they’ll turn out to be amazing! I hope they become really successful in Japan!

After that opening act, the emcee came out and said that now was the moment we’d all been waiting for, and all that usual stuff. The crowd started cheering for May’n, and then one of the stage crew came out and I was laughing to Coffeebear that “THAT ISN’T MAY’N!”

Dancers came and danced, as per usual concert opening. And then May’n ran out and that was when the night really got started!

My initial reaction was that, with her new haircut, she really looked a lot younger and cuter. Her new haircut and how she carries it off is seriously <3.

Anyway. >.>

As usual, her singing was amazing! The first few songs, the music was a bit too loud and her singing got covered at some parts, but they either adjusted her mic volume or downed the background track (still too loud for my poor ears to tell), and it got a lot better later on! She sang a few songs I didn’t know, and many I knew. Universal bunny was one of them, and like it was with the BIG WAAAAVE concert DVD, I was amazed by how she could manipulate her voice to sound so…different from the normal. It must have been incredibly straining, not easy in the least!

She also sang a song from her new album, it was a bit less high energy than what we’ve gotten used to hearing, and very much closer to Diamond Crevasse (coincidentally, it still remains one of my favourites by her, quieter songs like this really bring out the best in her vocal range), and I LOVED IT TO BITS. XD

She also sang Lion at one point, that really really showed off her lung power man. It’s a freaking difficult song to sing Live. But she performed super well as per normal, nearly studio recording quality (I only don’t give it a perfect because of the volume spikes punctuating some parts. Considering the amount of control needed to Lion, I really should go ahead and give it a perfect anyway.)

Fast forward to end of concert, everybody shouting for an Encore. She comes back on stage wearing a sleeveless version of the tour shirt, and of course, started with Diamond Crevasse (She has become soooo good with this song, it really is a flawless performance.), moved on to Kimi Shinitamou Koto Nakare from Shangri-La, and then she invited her dancers back out on stage with her.

THEY CAME WITH CAKE! It was what the Emcee had told us about before the start of the performance, a surprise cake for May’n to celebrate her 6th anniversary. Her reaction was so funny and cute! >W<

Anyway, after that, either cos she was too touched or whatever, she forgot her lines, and it was so funny! Can’t really blame her there, she was talking to us in English which must be majorly tough for her! I know that if I were given a speech in Japanese, I’d forget it halfway through (and that isn’t even counting 2 hours of singing and dancing like mad before). Anyway, she came back in and talked about how she was going to sing the song she wrote for Phonic Nation, hoping that everybody could be brought together by music, and told us that we’re always under the same sky. She was tearing a little, but the show went out, and she sang the song without any shift in her voice to give away her teary eyes, even when some decided they’d go ahead and roll down her face.

After the concert, she ran to the sides of the stage and said thank you while telling everybody to look her in the eye, face to face. I really like how she is so awesome to her fans.

 

At the end of the day, I am as big a fan as I was when I walked in, if not an even bigger one. Because she never fails to amaze me as to how well she can sing live, which proves how little editing is really needed for her mp3s. You’re not paying for pro editing, you’re paying for the real thing.

Because I never learn, do I?

I think my problem is that I have never actually learnt to let go. Every single time I’ve needed to, it’s just slowly happened. I don’t know how to when it’s not paramount.

Like now, when I’m okay without but would be so much better with.

How many more times do we have to do this before I learn that this time, maybe, it’s just better to stop?

Best. Family. Ever.

I just received the most awesome compliment ever.

Because apparently, I’m such an unbearable piece of dirt that the house must be thrown away simply cos I am here.

 

Thanks a lot ma, and you wonder why I’ve got such a short temper? Why don’t you look at where I got it from.

A year on and…

Before I go into all the serious stuff and forget, I think I will be coming back more to wordpress. I’ve gotten tired of reblogging things, and recently, I’ve been a little more serious and, well, melancholy.

Maybe it’s all that laughing I do in class. Maybe I’m exceeding my quota, so when I get home I have no more laughter to share with the empty room. I don’t know why exactly I’m melancholy, most things are going okay with the exception of…

Anyway, it’s not like I’m depressed or anything like that. Nothing in particular is bugging me. I just find myself thinking more on the way back. Maybe it’s because I’m so tired when I get on the bus these days that I just listen to music and let my brain go wild with its thoughts.

Whatever it is, today I randomly decided to read my old wordpress posts on my iphone. I didn’t need to go back far, just to around the period I got back from France, which, as I recall, started what I thought was one of the most difficult and absolute darkest periods of my life. Of course, the worst was yet to come.

But that’s not the point. The point is, I realised that I did get stronger back then. For a little while. But these days, I’m declining, going backward. I’ve gone past the point I was at before I went to France, past so many experiences, all to be the same old weak me from long ago again.

I scream, I shout, and I’m a crybaby. How did I come one full circle instead of stumbling in one general direction? Right now, I think I’ve failed.

Where did I go wrong? It probably all started when I started running away. Without knowing it, I probably ran back to where I had arduously moved forward from.

And I never wrote a story summing up 2010.

/

/

I want to write again, but I’m thinking maybe not fictionpress. Maybe this blog. Or a new wordpress blog.

Heading down the same old tired road

I know that you and him are different people. But every time, something appears at the corner of my eyes that just makes it seem exactly like it was back then.

And I’m just praying that it doesn’t land up the same way.

Tumblr account

I got a tumblr, without really knowing why. Still, got a theme I’m pretty satisfied with, so probably gonna stick around.

It’ll be useful for reblogging/ sharing pictures and videos, I guess, but I definitely will still be coming to my wordpress for the lengthier updates.